Losing my BDSM Mojo
I seem to have lost my kink.
Until recently, I was loving that impact play and bondage were somewhat regular parts of my sexual repertoire but over the past couple months, that excitement has been replaced with disinterest and even some dread and disgust.
What? I don't want to be THAT person!
I have no easy explanation as to what changed for me. There's no specific incident, certainly nothing traumatic, that explains why my desires and what I considered sexy and enthusiastic yesses shifted so much for me. I can't pinpoint the change happening, but the shift in my brain and cravings are demonstrated by two separate play incidents with Flick and Iris; one where they spanked me together while I got off on my Magic Wand and it was one of the hottest moments in our threeway history, contrasted with the next dual spank-fest where I mostly just endured it because they seemed to be into it.
It's extremely frustrating because one of the main things I'd been excited about exploring when we started our non-monogamy journey was my uncharted kinky side. Flick and I had done a small amount of experimenting over our relationship but it was limited in scope and hadn't happened for approximately a decade.
When first online dating, I began seeking BDSM partners. Flick wasn't comfortable with me meeting up with male Doms - see Cockblocked by my husband - but he was willing to step into that role himself and we invested in various impact toys and began to investigate kinky play in earnest.
One of my favourite early moments that combined BDSM and non-monogamy was when Flick paddled Hot Mama and I side by side on the bed. Hearing her sighs and cries next to me was ridiculously hot and I found myself really into it. I've also watched Flick with Fawn, a highly submissive woman he sometimes plays with, and the energy exchange between them was super-hot to witness, and I got myself off several times as I watched.
We've tried the dual impact time with Iris a couple times and although it sounded great, it has never felt right. I loved the idea in theory but the reality has left me cold and shut off. It seemed like something that would bring our triad closer but if anything, it did the opposite and I haven't been able to figure it out.
Since those couple mixed experiences, I haven't wanted to play that way. When I think of it, instead of sexy, I feel sick. I am frustrated with myself because I don't know what changed for me. I don't want to shame or disparage anyone else for what they're into, but has gotten to the point I don't want to witness it or even hear about it.
For as long as I've been thinking about those things, I always considered myself to be a sub, but through our investigations, discovered I'm a bottom who likes to be bossed around - to a degree - but I have zero interest in subverting my will to someone else's. True submission is a real squick for me that I find myself having to fight reacting when awesome friends and acquaintances share their experiences. I never want to yuck anyone's yum but my discomfort hits me somewhere deep and visceral.
A couple months ago, we were travelling and a delightful (and extremely submissive) friend offered to do a coffee 'service' for us in the morning. She'd come over and prepare coffee in whatever outfit we picked out (or nude) and then serve us all. I had what came close to a panic attack thinking about it. Nothing about it felt good. When I declined the offer, I was asked if she could serve the two guys who are involved with her and I had an even stronger visceral reaction. Nope! Not only could I not watch that, I wouldn't have been able to look at the guys the same way after seeing them enjoy it. I hate that my own issues add that layer of judgement too.
It's so weird because my intellectual brain knows she offered because likes it. It feels good to her to be submissive, to serve, but my panicky reptile brain can't get there. If she served us, I would see a woman degraded and disrespected, and I could not comfortably be part of that degradation even though I know it's her choice as a grown-ass woman to embrace and enjoy that.
We're all full of contradictions and paradox and I know it's common that very independent, fulfilled people can be submissive and in fact it's a wonderful break from the responsibilities of 'real' life. I totally understand the appeal of letting someone else make the decisions for a while, it's a big part of what I like about bottoming, but I just don't like seeing submission in others. Despite the fact that I know they like it, submission looks to me like someone is being hurt, even if not physical play.
The more intense feelings I have for the parties involved, the trickier it gets as well. As my feels for Iris deepened, the bruises she often sports on her delicate skin changed from 'Ooh, hot. She had fun!' to 'My person is hurt!' I had a very strong reaction to a photo of her bruised ass in front of Flick before coming to the realization that he'd caused the bruises, and then I felt very guilty about shaming him for their consensual fun. I know he'd never push her past her limits and know she'd have stopped him if she wasn't fully into it, but all I could see was injury and pain.
I'm not even sure where I'm going with all this other than trying to process some of my feelings by writing them down. For the time being, I've asked that triad playtime be vanilla while I figure things out. I don't put any restrictions on the play Flick and Iris do when it's just the two of them, but have asked that they don't tell me about it or share pics of after effects. I know I'll see some bruises, and cause some myself with my teeth, but these limits are what feel safe to me for now.
I'm hoping to find my way back to the sexy buzz I'd felt previously with regards to BDSM. Flick and I are going to do some solo play and when we reviewed our 'Open Relationship Checklist' he expressed that he's comfortable with me exploring with other male tops now. Maybe having more experiences will help me resuscitate that part of my sexuality. Maybe it will just take time? Or maybe kink was a temporary thing for me? I hope not. I'd love to have my kinky back.
