Over the last few years I learned a pile of lessons from the romantic relationships in my life. These lessons didn't come from any one specific relationship, but were often patterns I discovered related to my own behaviour as well as the behaviour of those I tend to be drawn to. Many of the lessons were incredibly painful. Coming out of the pain, I've been left with a lot of clarity with regards to the things that I want from my romantic relationships going forward.
What I want is to be seen.
I want you to want to know me. To dive deep into my brain, into my life. To be charmed by goofy stories from my past. I want you to be interested in reading what I write and want to discuss things that capture your attention with me. I want you to want to know the essence of me (though never through extended eye contact).
I want to be part of your stories. I want you to want to tell people about us. I want to exist when you talk about the people in your life. I want to be present as a character when you recount experiences we had together or places we went together.
I want you to enquire about my life. More than "How are you?" but "What are you up to lately?" "How was your weekend?" "What are your goals?"
I want to be able to ask about our relationship without fear of destroying it. I want to be able to talk about things when my needs aren't being met and not fear your anger or withdrawal. I want to be able to speak up for myself rather than accepting what I'm given as all I deserve.
I want to be able to tell you that I love you and hear it back if you feel the same way. I want to not have to calculate when you last said it so as not to feel like I say it way more often than you. I want to be able to expect reciprocal levels of affection in messages and not to have to constantly modulate mine to match yours. I want you to tell me how you feel about me regularly.
I want you to shower me with affection (but not too much and not before I'm ready). I want you to tell me that you love me (but not too soon and not with unreasonable extras like lifetime promises or hyperbolic expressions).
I want to be able to be myself with you. To let my guard down. To not have to try so damn hard all the time to be who I think you want me to be, to prove that I deserve your attention. I want to feel like we're on equal footing in the relationship. That no one is running the show while the other tags along. I want to feel like you seek my approval and attention and not just the other way around.
I want you to enquire about my pain. To try to understand where I'm coming from when I hurt. I want you to see me in pain and not try to solve it or push it away with reason, but to be with me in it.
I want to feel pursued and wanted. I want to feel that even though you've got me, you still actively choose me. That you desire and crave me and can't wait to feel our bodies pressed together whether in sexual or affectionate ways.
I want to feel like you like me. That you think I'm funny and smart and charming and that you genuinely enjoy my company and conversation. I want to feel like if you had just met me, you would want to get to know me. I want to hear about the things you like about me regularly.
I know that no relationship will ever be perfect but I want to know that through imperfection, we're in it together. Because we want to be.
